- if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF
- scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today's status.
- Nobody wished me a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.
- ”The greatest thing about Facebook, is that you can quote something and totally make up the source.” – George Washington
- is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself..
- ♬ ♫ ♪ ılıll|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|̲̅̅=̲̅̅|̲̅̅●̲̅̅|llılı ♪ ♫ ♬
- is going to jail, directly to jail. She is not passing go. She is not collecting $200.
- Note to vegetarians: My food poops on your food. Enjoy that salad!
- Just realized the tooth fairy teaches us to sell our body parts for money!
- Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
- I just read last year 4,153,237 ppl got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?
- Don't you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
- 43% of all statistics are made up on the spot. Hell, 72% of people know that!
- Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
- status under construction ██████████████] 99%
- Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
- Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I can no longer fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.
- believes that the problem with being punctual is that there is rarely anyone there to appreciate it.
- I will find out why the correspondence course on “Mail Fraud” that I purchased never showed up.
- You know your job is shit when the parking meter outside where you work makes more per hour than you do.
- ٩•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
- Cut here —————–✄———————-
- I hated it when old aunts came up to me after weddings and said "you are next". They stopped that when I did began to do the same to them after funerals.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
- ¿ǝʍ ǝɹɐ pǝƃuǝןןɐɥɔ-ǝןƃooƃ ˙˙˙ʇxǝʇ uʍop ǝpısdn ʎq ǝɹɐ ǝןdoǝd pǝssǝɹdɯı ʍoɥ ʎuunɟ s,ʇı sʞuıɥʇ
- Just bought a new warddrobe from focus, looked at the box and was surprised to find it said " Self Assembly "..... I've been sat here now for three fu*k*ng hours and yet it still hasnt put itself together
- Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone thinks he has enough.
- I have a friend whose status says 'suicidal standing on edge of cliff'. I poked him.
- Is proud of himself, he finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
- ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
- Does performing oral sex on women provide a good source of Omega3?
- . ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
- Isn't going to take life seriously... Nobody gets out alive anyway.
- a clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
- Bought a new stick of deodorant today. Instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom" ... I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely
- ⒽⒶⓅⓅⓨ ⓃⒺⓌ ⓎⒺⒶⓇ
- If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?
- Is beating her current record for number of consecutive days alive.
- Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
- ► PlayTheMoments ▌▌ PauseTheMemories ■ StopThePain ◄◄ RewindTheHappiness.
- Just changed the name of my iPod to "the titanic" so whenever i plug it in to my computer it says "the titanic is syncing"
- Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
- "Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide."
- I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status!
- Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
- is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
- Build a man a fire and he is warm for a day. Set him on fire, and he is warm for the rest of his life.
- --^v--^v--^v--^v-_____^v--^v--^v-- For a second there, I was bored to death.
